FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
