I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
