u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
