Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
