I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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