I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
