we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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