I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
