omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I want a musical about memes.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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