she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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