I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
