If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
