I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
