he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
