Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
