I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
