I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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