i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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