I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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