Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
