If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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