I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
