he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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