when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
