We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
