I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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