Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
