Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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