I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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