I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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