Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
