i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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