we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
