I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
