Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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