Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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