i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have fence marks all over my body
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
