I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
