you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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