You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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