You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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