afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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