Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
