The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
