I just saw a hot homeless man
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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