I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
