I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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