i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
