I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
