can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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