wrigley field is MILF paradise
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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