I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
