don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
